Youth

             “What’s wrong?” This was what I heard more often than the greeting “Hello!” in the past few weeks. As it was being repeated, even though nothing was really wrong with me, I took some time to ponder and to find the reason. Having realized that my head was full of thoughts and therefore that my faced looked very serious, I tried again to organize my thoughts. And I suddenly came up with a counter-question: “Why do I have to spend time thinking, why I think so much?” I remember how carefree I was when I was in primary school. My head was full of imagination and enthusiasm. When I look at my mind now, I almost get shocked to see how barren, but yet so full of worries it is.

A Rainbow

-William Wordsworth

My heart leaps up when I behold

A rainbow in the sky;

So was it when my life began;

So is it now I am a man;

So be it when I shall grow old,

Or let me die!

The Child is father of the Man;

And I could wish my days to be

Bound each to each by natural piety!

            

             There was a Korean poem written on one of the advertisements on the subway with a similar message to the poem above. It said that out of hundreds of people on the subway, children are the only one that smiles. Sadly, I could not disagree to the poet. Whenever I get on the bus or the subway, everyone stays so quiet and indifferent except for young people. I used to even laugh at a small bug, but now I can hardly find anything I can laugh at.

             Another month is about to finish. There was a phrase in one of the books I read that your life runs at the speed of your age; for example, if a person is 14 years old, then his or her life runs at the speed of 14km/h and if a person is 40 years old, then his or her life would run 40km/h. So the book mentions that is why the time seems to go quicker as one gets older. I am fully aware of the fact that I can not stop the time passing by and I have no intention of doing so. I am willing to take the responsibility and risks that comes with the time. However, just like the poems I have mentioned above, I wish I could keep the mind of a child, not for that I want to get younger, but for that I wish to keep the imagination, creativity and enthusiasm.

Impossible, yet Enchanting Wishes

"Nothing is impossible." Yes. I truly and deeply agree with this phrase that whatever I wish to achieve can be reached; of course, with a hidden condition: "if you try your best and never give up." However, there are some things that can not be accomplished by human's effort or things that should never be done by people. Ironically, though they may never commit them, a lot of people is attracted to things that are forbidden or impossible. Here are my impossible yet alluring wishes.

Most of all, why can't a day be longer? 24 hours is too short. There are so many things to do in the world, but so little time. Some may say that it is just an excuse for that I may not have organized my schedule properly, and so that I should learn how to use my time effectively. Considering that in mind, I have been carrying my scheduler/planner since high school. Before I write anything down, I categorize the activities under "unavoidable/urgent," "should/don't forget," "would like to." "Unavoidable/Urgent" refers to the ones that are compulsory like lectures, part-time job, "due-tomorrow" assignments, sleeping and so on. "Should/Don't forget" refers to less urgent works such as assignments that are due next week, exam preparation for next month and so on. "Would like to" refers to the ones that I wish to do; for example, reading books and meeting friends. To save the precious time, I always write the exact time and duration of each and every activity, in the order of must to would like to. However, the very depressing truth is that I never end up with time for my "would like to" activities. Couldn't a day be more than 24 hours? I wish I could read at least 2 or 3 books each day, which requires more than 4 hours. If the extension of the time is impossible, please take my sleep away!

Moreover, I wish I could speak every language in the world. My professor said once in her "German Linguistics" lecture that she always imagines making a small "language chip" which could be put into a person's brain and be used like the USB stick we carry. That way, we won't have to spend millions of hours in learning a new language. I find "Language" really fascinating. Sometimes, I even think that it is the most powerful weapon in the world. In my opinion, language is not just a tool for communication. I would say that it is the crystal of each country's long history, culture, ideology and much more. Therefore, being able to speak all the languages that exist in the world could make me able to understand the various culture and history. It would broaden my horizon and make my travel definitely easier. Nowadays, it is even possible for us to scan our brain without damaging the skull or the brain itself, which was impossible just about a century ago. Who knows? The very first birthday present for my grand-grand son or daughter could be "German Chip!"

             Some old “Science-fiction movies” show some inventions that were thought impossible to be actually made. However, we find them old-fashioned and funny for that they really exist in the world now. My imaginations are of course also impossible and may be even absurd to some point. Nevertheless, I am actually quite afraid to say that this may really come true in next few centuries!

Biblioholic

             Few days ago, thanks to my friend who canceled our appointment as something urgent came up to her, I could visit my favorite place which I couldn’t for a long time: “book store!” I know that this may sound very strange, but whenever I feel depressed or upset, I head to a bookstore as I can feel relieved and relaxed. I go through the new books first and then move on to the steady seller and lastly go through the books on the shelves. Through experience, I have learned that best seller books are not always “best” sellers. Some of them are listed there with money or the power of the publisher. So I tend to search the shelves carefully to find the hidden “treasure.” And there I found one!

             The title caught my eyes from the top of the shelves. It was a Korean translated version of the book Biblioholism by Tom Raabe. There was a short self check list to see whether one was really addicted to books or not. Briefly ticking through the check boxes and having found out that I was quite a serious “biblioholic,” and also at the same time, feeling relieved that I was not the only person who were a book-addict, I decided to buy the book to find out more about the author and the addiction.

             His story was really interesting. To some point, I was glad that my addiction was not yet as serious as the author’s. He confessed (the title of the Korean version is A Confession of a Biblioholic) that he had lost his girl friend several times because of the books; he went broke more than once through buying books and even more seriously, he actually found out that he had bought a series of same books more than twice. I did or still do buy a lot of books at once and pile it on my desk, but I do read them all, whereas the author had just collected them. This book has somehow helped me to see and feel relieved that being a biblioholic is not all bad and to learn that I should keep the author in mind and try not to develop this addiction further to his stage.

April really is the cruelest month

April is the cruelest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain.

Winter kept us warm, covering

Earth in forgetful snow, feeding

A little life with dried tubers.

(April is the cruelest month, T.S.Eliot)

When I first read this poem, I didn’t quite understand why the poet said that the April is the “cruelest” month. Although I am still not sure of the exact reason, I can now sympathize with the poet as to how he must have felt when he was writing this poem.

“Time flies like an arrow.” This phrase has become one of my most often used phrases since I have entered University. It’s already April! Only about 4 blog-postings before, I wrote “Adieu, March!” to end and sum up what I did in March. And so soon, I am here summarizing April! As I have predicted at the beginning of this semester, I have been very busy up until today. (Too busy that I don’t get to enjoy the “day-off” of university: May 5^th)

As soon as the play was over at the end of March, I was actually very glad that I would get my own time to enjoy whatever I wanted to do. I dreamt of reading books at a Café, watching movies with my friends, enjoying the warm spring weather and so on. However, things never turn out the way I wish them to be. Totally opposite to what I thought, after the play was over, I was in the state of panic. I couldn’t concentrate on anything! One of the major “illnesses,” which I tried to cure last semester by taking a break had returned: “Workaholism.” I couldn’t bear the time that was left free for me. Unlike my other friends who were also in the play, who said that they were also in the state of panic due to the “emptiness,” but that they tried to just enjoy that free time resting, I tried to fill all the gaps with work, which of course made things worse.

There were piles of assignments and other things that I needed to catch up on, for that I had postponed them till the end of the play. On the top of that, soon came the midterm exam period. As I took four psychology classes this semester, without realizing how harsh the work would be, there were four thick dull books that I needed to master. I woke up everyday at 4:30 am, quickly packed some food hoping that it would keep my stomach quiet in the library and arrived at school at 5:30 am at the latest. From the beginning to the end of the April, I literally spent more time at the library than at home or anywhere else. All I did was study, eat and sleep.

Because of the work am I saying that the April is the cruelest month? To me, it seems like the routine above felt depressing and unfair because it was in April. Just like the poem at the top where he said “breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain,” spring is the time where everything begins its life. Through the dry and barren land, fresh green buds show their faces and flowers bloom. Everything is green, fresh, energetic and full of life. There seems to be a silent, but a solid law that everyone should be happy and lively. The irony I felt in the poem seemed to have occurred to me. It is difficult and even more depressing to both pretend to be happy when one is not and not to be able to enjoy that freshness due to unavoidable work.

It’s “Children’s day” today and fortunately (or unfortunately) is the weather perfectly bright and warm. I wish all the happiness and love for the children! And additionally, “Cheer up!” to myself.