Youth

             “What’s wrong?” This was what I heard more often than the greeting “Hello!” in the past few weeks. As it was being repeated, even though nothing was really wrong with me, I took some time to ponder and to find the reason. Having realized that my head was full of thoughts and therefore that my faced looked very serious, I tried again to organize my thoughts. And I suddenly came up with a counter-question: “Why do I have to spend time thinking, why I think so much?” I remember how carefree I was when I was in primary school. My head was full of imagination and enthusiasm. When I look at my mind now, I almost get shocked to see how barren, but yet so full of worries it is.

A Rainbow

-William Wordsworth

My heart leaps up when I behold

A rainbow in the sky;

So was it when my life began;

So is it now I am a man;

So be it when I shall grow old,

Or let me die!

The Child is father of the Man;

And I could wish my days to be

Bound each to each by natural piety!

            

             There was a Korean poem written on one of the advertisements on the subway with a similar message to the poem above. It said that out of hundreds of people on the subway, children are the only one that smiles. Sadly, I could not disagree to the poet. Whenever I get on the bus or the subway, everyone stays so quiet and indifferent except for young people. I used to even laugh at a small bug, but now I can hardly find anything I can laugh at.

             Another month is about to finish. There was a phrase in one of the books I read that your life runs at the speed of your age; for example, if a person is 14 years old, then his or her life runs at the speed of 14km/h and if a person is 40 years old, then his or her life would run 40km/h. So the book mentions that is why the time seems to go quicker as one gets older. I am fully aware of the fact that I can not stop the time passing by and I have no intention of doing so. I am willing to take the responsibility and risks that comes with the time. However, just like the poems I have mentioned above, I wish I could keep the mind of a child, not for that I want to get younger, but for that I wish to keep the imagination, creativity and enthusiasm.

Impossible, yet Enchanting Wishes

"Nothing is impossible." Yes. I truly and deeply agree with this phrase that whatever I wish to achieve can be reached; of course, with a hidden condition: "if you try your best and never give up." However, there are some things that can not be accomplished by human's effort or things that should never be done by people. Ironically, though they may never commit them, a lot of people is attracted to things that are forbidden or impossible. Here are my impossible yet alluring wishes.

Most of all, why can't a day be longer? 24 hours is too short. There are so many things to do in the world, but so little time. Some may say that it is just an excuse for that I may not have organized my schedule properly, and so that I should learn how to use my time effectively. Considering that in mind, I have been carrying my scheduler/planner since high school. Before I write anything down, I categorize the activities under "unavoidable/urgent," "should/don't forget," "would like to." "Unavoidable/Urgent" refers to the ones that are compulsory like lectures, part-time job, "due-tomorrow" assignments, sleeping and so on. "Should/Don't forget" refers to less urgent works such as assignments that are due next week, exam preparation for next month and so on. "Would like to" refers to the ones that I wish to do; for example, reading books and meeting friends. To save the precious time, I always write the exact time and duration of each and every activity, in the order of must to would like to. However, the very depressing truth is that I never end up with time for my "would like to" activities. Couldn't a day be more than 24 hours? I wish I could read at least 2 or 3 books each day, which requires more than 4 hours. If the extension of the time is impossible, please take my sleep away!

Moreover, I wish I could speak every language in the world. My professor said once in her "German Linguistics" lecture that she always imagines making a small "language chip" which could be put into a person's brain and be used like the USB stick we carry. That way, we won't have to spend millions of hours in learning a new language. I find "Language" really fascinating. Sometimes, I even think that it is the most powerful weapon in the world. In my opinion, language is not just a tool for communication. I would say that it is the crystal of each country's long history, culture, ideology and much more. Therefore, being able to speak all the languages that exist in the world could make me able to understand the various culture and history. It would broaden my horizon and make my travel definitely easier. Nowadays, it is even possible for us to scan our brain without damaging the skull or the brain itself, which was impossible just about a century ago. Who knows? The very first birthday present for my grand-grand son or daughter could be "German Chip!"

             Some old “Science-fiction movies” show some inventions that were thought impossible to be actually made. However, we find them old-fashioned and funny for that they really exist in the world now. My imaginations are of course also impossible and may be even absurd to some point. Nevertheless, I am actually quite afraid to say that this may really come true in next few centuries!

Biblioholic

             Few days ago, thanks to my friend who canceled our appointment as something urgent came up to her, I could visit my favorite place which I couldn’t for a long time: “book store!” I know that this may sound very strange, but whenever I feel depressed or upset, I head to a bookstore as I can feel relieved and relaxed. I go through the new books first and then move on to the steady seller and lastly go through the books on the shelves. Through experience, I have learned that best seller books are not always “best” sellers. Some of them are listed there with money or the power of the publisher. So I tend to search the shelves carefully to find the hidden “treasure.” And there I found one!

             The title caught my eyes from the top of the shelves. It was a Korean translated version of the book Biblioholism by Tom Raabe. There was a short self check list to see whether one was really addicted to books or not. Briefly ticking through the check boxes and having found out that I was quite a serious “biblioholic,” and also at the same time, feeling relieved that I was not the only person who were a book-addict, I decided to buy the book to find out more about the author and the addiction.

             His story was really interesting. To some point, I was glad that my addiction was not yet as serious as the author’s. He confessed (the title of the Korean version is A Confession of a Biblioholic) that he had lost his girl friend several times because of the books; he went broke more than once through buying books and even more seriously, he actually found out that he had bought a series of same books more than twice. I did or still do buy a lot of books at once and pile it on my desk, but I do read them all, whereas the author had just collected them. This book has somehow helped me to see and feel relieved that being a biblioholic is not all bad and to learn that I should keep the author in mind and try not to develop this addiction further to his stage.

April really is the cruelest month

April is the cruelest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain.

Winter kept us warm, covering

Earth in forgetful snow, feeding

A little life with dried tubers.

(April is the cruelest month, T.S.Eliot)

When I first read this poem, I didn’t quite understand why the poet said that the April is the “cruelest” month. Although I am still not sure of the exact reason, I can now sympathize with the poet as to how he must have felt when he was writing this poem.

“Time flies like an arrow.” This phrase has become one of my most often used phrases since I have entered University. It’s already April! Only about 4 blog-postings before, I wrote “Adieu, March!” to end and sum up what I did in March. And so soon, I am here summarizing April! As I have predicted at the beginning of this semester, I have been very busy up until today. (Too busy that I don’t get to enjoy the “day-off” of university: May 5^th)

As soon as the play was over at the end of March, I was actually very glad that I would get my own time to enjoy whatever I wanted to do. I dreamt of reading books at a Café, watching movies with my friends, enjoying the warm spring weather and so on. However, things never turn out the way I wish them to be. Totally opposite to what I thought, after the play was over, I was in the state of panic. I couldn’t concentrate on anything! One of the major “illnesses,” which I tried to cure last semester by taking a break had returned: “Workaholism.” I couldn’t bear the time that was left free for me. Unlike my other friends who were also in the play, who said that they were also in the state of panic due to the “emptiness,” but that they tried to just enjoy that free time resting, I tried to fill all the gaps with work, which of course made things worse.

There were piles of assignments and other things that I needed to catch up on, for that I had postponed them till the end of the play. On the top of that, soon came the midterm exam period. As I took four psychology classes this semester, without realizing how harsh the work would be, there were four thick dull books that I needed to master. I woke up everyday at 4:30 am, quickly packed some food hoping that it would keep my stomach quiet in the library and arrived at school at 5:30 am at the latest. From the beginning to the end of the April, I literally spent more time at the library than at home or anywhere else. All I did was study, eat and sleep.

Because of the work am I saying that the April is the cruelest month? To me, it seems like the routine above felt depressing and unfair because it was in April. Just like the poem at the top where he said “breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain,” spring is the time where everything begins its life. Through the dry and barren land, fresh green buds show their faces and flowers bloom. Everything is green, fresh, energetic and full of life. There seems to be a silent, but a solid law that everyone should be happy and lively. The irony I felt in the poem seemed to have occurred to me. It is difficult and even more depressing to both pretend to be happy when one is not and not to be able to enjoy that freshness due to unavoidable work.

It’s “Children’s day” today and fortunately (or unfortunately) is the weather perfectly bright and warm. I wish all the happiness and love for the children! And additionally, “Cheer up!” to myself.

Leon

Shape of my heart by Sting has been one of my favorite songs since very long time ago. However, it was only last week that I found out that this song is a soundtrack of the film, Leon. One of the students from “Advanced English Writing and Presentation” class introduced this film and the soundtrack in her presentation. For the plot sounded very interesting, I tried not to listen to her presentation on purpose, blocking my ears, not to “spoil” the film and waited for the end of my midterm exam to watch the film. Finally, “the day” came. As soon as I finished my last midterm exam yesterday, I ran home and downloaded the film Leon. And it was certainly more than what I had expected.

             Most of all, the actors and actresses were just “perfect.” What I mean by this is that they seemed to represent their characters in the film as if it was their own life. Jean Reno, who played the role of Leon, shows the character’s feelings very effectively only with his eyes. He does not speak very much in the film. Despite such fact, through his face expressions, especially his eyes, it was possible for me to read what he was trying to say and how he was feeling each time. And this character matched the traits of Leon perfectly, a “foreign cleaner,” who has no friends or family, but his plant and guns. I felt sympathy and awe at the same time looking at his life.

In addition to this, I was more than amazed by Natalie Portman, who played Matilda in the film. Matilda is a twelve year old girl whose life is really “twisted.” She suffers constant violence from her family and, without any time for her to recover from this, all of her family members get killed by a “police.” As a revenge for her little brother, she pleads Leon to train her to become a “cleaner.” In spite of the fact that she was actually very young when she played that role, she performs her role brilliantly. I was really charmed by her acting.

Moreover, the plot of the film was great. Not always, but some films fail to find the balance between action and love and story; in trying to show spectacle action, either the story becomes illogical or too simple. Nevertheless, Leon illustrates every element with profoundness. Even though this film does not really contain “blockbuster actions,” it creates great suspense and actions which made me to clench my fist for it made me very nervous. And the love between Leon and Matilda was also just beautiful. Whereas this love between an old man and a young girl could seem unrealistic or even unacceptable, the love they show was more than agreeable. Especially, at the end where Matilda plants the “friend” of Leon, I couldn’t stop myself from crying.

Whenever I read a book or watch a movie, I tend to become very critical. I always try to find faults or “holes” in them. And because I usually download past movies and watch them at home, I tend to skip parts and turn them off earlier, before the ending credits come out. However, for the music that was played at the very end, and also for that I could feel the movie lingering on in my mind, I could not turn it off even after all the ending credits were out. And to my surprise, I haven’t yet found any “holes” of the movie. Thank you, whoever it was that represented this film!

Addiction

Early in the morning, 7:00am, screaming “I’m broke!” in my head, I headed to a coffee shop almost automatically. To save money, of course, the best solution would be not to use money on any unnecessary expenses. Coffee is definitely not something that is crucial for me to purchase everyday. Being fully aware of that, nevertheless, I can not stop my feet moving towards any early opened coffee shop.

Not until I became an official adult, a university student, it was “prohibited” for me to take even a sip of coffee. Considering a proven fact that coffee, or to be precise, caffeine is not good for the development of the brain, for memory, my parents kept on telling me that I should not drink coffee until I graduated from the high school. Even with not very serious matters, I never thought of going against my parents not to insist fervently on doing something which I also know that is not profitable. For that, in spite of my deepest urge to drink coffee, I tenaciously waited for the graduation.

February, 2008. This was my revolutionary month. My high school life had finally come to an end! I was now an adult! Full of joy, whereas my friends went to dye their hair or to pierce their ears as a sign of “deviation” or “enjoyment of freedom,” I ran to a coffee shop and ordered my first coffee: Americano. The sweet-bitterness of the well roasted beans whirled in to my nose and wrapped around my tongue so sharply, yet gently that I nearly cried of happiness and even despair that I got to drink this “sacred juice” so late. It then became one of my goals to try all the drinks available to buy. I remember once, when I was to order “Americano” to enjoy with my sandwich. I was not really familiar with the names at the time and without realizing I had ordered “Espresso!” As soon as I saw the tiny coffee cup next to my huge sandwich, I first thought that the man had made a mistake. Before I embarrassed myself of asking, I realized that I had ordered a wrong drink! Still, it was quite enjoyable.

Being able to hear my parents’ voice saying that coffee is not good for my health, I limited myself from drinking no more than a small cup of coffee each day. However, as assignments piled up on my desk, coffee cups also started to level up beside it. It seemed as if though they were competing to see who would get higher up. After almost 3 years of this, now I find myself getting headache or feeling bloated when I don’t take any coffee on that day. For I know that it is really not good for my health and that I need to save money, I am going to put all my effort to reduce the amount first and eventually to cut it totally down.

German and Me

I still remember the reaction on the faces of my family, friends and even high school teachers, when I said to them that I was going to take German as my major. After my high school graduation, I received two acceptance letters from two universities with totally different major. First one was from a well known University and on the top of that, the major I got accepted at was International Business and Economics, which almost everyone in Korea is dying to go to. The other University was not as much well known as the first one and the major was German Language and Literature. I could read from everyone’s face that they were all expecting me to choose the first. However, I chose the latter.

Majoring in German has made my life very colorful. It actually has turned me into a quite different person! I had always been very much repressed by the thought that I should always concentrate on studying or only for employment preparation. Until my highschool years, I never watched TV nor movies nor books and I never let myself go out of any control. To compare to a movie, I felt like I was living in very olden classic days, where everything was under control and planned. I was almost never opposed to my parents’ opinion and listened and followed as what they suggested. Therefore, the decision I made meant a great deal for me; for the first time I had made my own crucial decision!

Even until now, people ask me why and how I could come out with such a conclusion. I sometimes ask myself the same question, too. And my answer is always the same : “I think I was destined to take this path.” It is yet impossible for me to put it in to words, but I felt this very strong urge inside me, craving for German. Eventhough I knew that choosing the first University would make my future easier, I just could not cope with the fact that I won’t be able to study German. Since then, I have never regretted this choice I made.

Walking on a “new” or “unusual road” makes people to meet difficulties and to go over it on their own, whereas walking on a “normal” or “standard road” helps people to make less mistakes and faults, for there’s already a lot of examples before them. Taking the path that people don’t usually take is surely a hardship. However, following others for easier life with less adversities results in something tragic. The statistics show that 80% of the employees in Korea feel unhappy with the job they have. I am sure the road that I am walking on now is not common. Hence, I am also quite aware of the fact that I’ll get to encounter a lot of difficulties. Nevertheless, what’s fun if life is all smooth and planned? Allow the ups and downs! Let’s enjoy the “life Roller-coaster!”

Adieu, March!

Yesterday was one of the historical days of my life! I had dinner at home! Surprisingly, for more than a month, I haven’t had dinner at home. Some of my friends envy my busy life, but others, especially my family, worry everyday for that it could ruin my health. Until last year, I didn’t really realize whether my life was busy or even harsh. However, having spent busy and dynamic months, I could feel every part of my body crying for rest. And yesterday, my brain couldn’t take it anymore. The parts of my body, including fingers, eyes, legs and many more, finally went on strike and were resisting against the brain, the commander, that they won’t work anymore. Now that I have made a compromise with them by giving them home food and early sleep, I would like to sum up the occasions of March.

Since I was very young, I have found it important to put meanings on to even slightest changes in life. For instance, summing up and reflecting on the past; I believe this action could actually bring improvements in the future. Today is already the very last day of March. Not only because my birthday is in this month, for many other reasons has March always been the most eventful month of the year, especially this march of the year 2011.

Most of all, the lessons begin! It is amazing, sometimes, to realize how quickly people forget things. Despite the fact that I took a break last semester, as I have kept on studying and as that it was only for one semester, I thought that everything would be perfectly normal and same as any other semesters I had. However, attending lessons was totally different to just being busy and studying alone. Even though I had spent more hours on self-studying in the break semester than lessons I have now, my body never showed any signs of tiredness, but nowadays, it can barely stay still for even one hour. Similar to “Monday syndrome,” I’m figuring that there’s also “March syndrome.”

Moreover, my birthday is in March! Having met on 12^th March, after 4 years of dating, my parents got married also on 12^th March. My mother once told me that not on purposely, but that I was also due to be born on 12^th March! Nevertheless, maybe I had wanted to celebrate my birthday separately from my parents’ wedding anniversary, I was born more than a week later, on 23^rd March. Until primary school time, having a birthday party was even more important than getting presents on Christmas day; which I now find useless and waste of time and money. However, thanks to my friends, this year was quite special. My friends at the play somehow found out that it was my birthday and gave a small surprise party during the rehearsals, which made my cry of happiness. There’s a saying in Korea that one should give presents to their parents on his or her birthday, for they gave birth to him or her. I always had this in my mind, but couldn’t put it into action; always making excuses that “I am busy.” Wait mom and dad for next year! :)

 

Furthermore, my job as an “actress” is now ended. I now feel really relieved and sad of the fact that the play is over. It is true that I have suffered a great deal spending all my power and time on rehearsing. I remember saying to my mom every morning, that I just want it to be over and done with, and that I won’t even miss it later. However, now that it’s really ended, I miss it a lot and I still makes me frustrated that I couldn’t give my full on the last performance day, for that I was really ill. The reason I had auditioned for this and endured it was because I knew that unless I decide to become an actress that there won’t be any more chances like this in my life. It sure was tough, but I really don’t regret it!

April is coming. Winter is now going. Some people mourn that their life is always just the same. When I listen to these people, I always think to myself that every second in one’s life is different. “Schedule” is not “life!” It seems to me that some people mistaken their schedule as their life and grieve that their life is same everyday. 31^st March 2011 can exist only once in everyone’s life. Carpe Diem!

Der Reigen

   “The day” is now only one sleep away: 25th of March, 19:00 pm. The show begins. With a history of 36 years, my major, German Language and Literature, has been performing a play once every two years. After I had received a phone call from my friend that there will be a play this year, at first, I got afraid that I would have to be on stage. However, realizing that there will be no more chances like this after my graduation, I applied for the audition; ending up with a role of a “rich count.”

  The play, we are performing, is called “Der Reigen” from Arthur Schnitzler. Its literal meaning is “circle dance.” Now that I have a quite good understanding of the play, I can see why the author has named the play “circle dance.” This play is composed of 10 scenes; more like 10 dialogues. 10 main characters come out and each scene is actually just a dialogue between two people, always one man and one woman. One very interesting thing is that each character gets involved in two different relationships, and these distinctive relationships are, somehow, connected like a chain. For instance, A and B are on the first scene and on the second, B and C; on third, C and D, and so on. This sense of “connectedness” seems to create a circle among the characters.  

  I actually had neither the background knowledge of the play nor that of the author of the play. Before purchasing the script to practice for the audition, I thought that this play would also be similar to the plays I have seen up to now. Considering that it was an old German play, I thought it could be something philosophical or even political or hopefully a romance like “Romeo and Juliet.” As soon as I opened the first page of the play I really spoke out loud, “I think I’ve bought a wrong book!” It was totally different from the plays I have seen. Well, not different, but unexpected. The content and the words used in the dialogues were unbelievable. It was too obscene and straightforward. Each scene contained highly sexual contents. Thankfully, as everyone, even the professor who chose this play to be put on stage, agreed that it was unsuitable to perform everything as written on the script, we decided to dance as a substitute.

   There were times when I regretted and even blamed myself for that I had applied for such time and energy consuming thing. Nevertheless, the memories I gained and also the people I got to know through this are so precious that I now tell myself “well done!”

Tomorrow is the day to show my three months of effort. Mijung! Break a leg!

How should one live ?

A lot of my friends call me either "a philosopher" or even "a grandma." This has a lot to do with the concepts and themes that I usually ponder over. Such philosophical questions as "What is the meaning of life?" "What do people live for?" "How should one live?" floats around in my head. After such questions tail one after the other, eventually I end up with the most silly, but an important question : "Why am I thinking about this?"

There's a famous saying: "Germans die spending all their lives only on thinking, how one should live, while French just enjoy their lives." As soon as I heard this sentence I thought to myself that I should stop being a "German" and start being a "French!" However, to make an excuse that my major is german, I find myself becoming more "german-like" as the time goes.

I remember the time when I was in primary and secondary school. Well, to be precise, I don't exactly remember what I did at that time (although I do, those were only just normal school life like having lesseons and taking a break etc.); the things that I can still think back on is how I felt about “living” and over what kind of things I was worried about. At that time, the focus of my thoughts was usually not on me, instead it was mostly on the relationship between my friends and family. Such concerns I had at that time were of course not very easy and they are still not easy. There are even books which teaches us how to get along well with the others. However, in my opinion, there’s a huge difference between centralising the thoughts on the connection and on the person itself.

No one can deny the fact that every single person in the world is different. Not even twins share the exact same genes. Therefore, it is lucid that everyone has distictive personality and cherishes different values in their lives. However, as the word “society” tells us, human beings are social animal. Despite the fact that we all wish for different things and that we all have different goals, to fit in the society people follow certain rules which I would like to define as “law of relationship.” One should be honest, understanding and caring to keep a consistent bond. Although this is not written on the present constitution, people follow this as if it is a law. This is why I regard it more concering to focus on oneself than the relationship. Whereas laws don’t easily change, persons feelings and goals change every blink of their eye.

Now that I am an adult, compared to the time I was in primary and secondary school, where I hardly had any responsibility, I’ve got to plan out my own future. And that process requires to look closely on myself. Would it be possible to come up with one solution to how one should live? Or is it actually necessary to define how to live? No matter what I contemplate now, there’s one crucial thing I should keep in mind : I would never be able to dominate or manipulate “time.”