April really is the cruelest month

April is the cruelest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain.

Winter kept us warm, covering

Earth in forgetful snow, feeding

A little life with dried tubers.

(April is the cruelest month, T.S.Eliot)

When I first read this poem, I didn’t quite understand why the poet said that the April is the “cruelest” month. Although I am still not sure of the exact reason, I can now sympathize with the poet as to how he must have felt when he was writing this poem.

“Time flies like an arrow.” This phrase has become one of my most often used phrases since I have entered University. It’s already April! Only about 4 blog-postings before, I wrote “Adieu, March!” to end and sum up what I did in March. And so soon, I am here summarizing April! As I have predicted at the beginning of this semester, I have been very busy up until today. (Too busy that I don’t get to enjoy the “day-off” of university: May 5^th)

As soon as the play was over at the end of March, I was actually very glad that I would get my own time to enjoy whatever I wanted to do. I dreamt of reading books at a Café, watching movies with my friends, enjoying the warm spring weather and so on. However, things never turn out the way I wish them to be. Totally opposite to what I thought, after the play was over, I was in the state of panic. I couldn’t concentrate on anything! One of the major “illnesses,” which I tried to cure last semester by taking a break had returned: “Workaholism.” I couldn’t bear the time that was left free for me. Unlike my other friends who were also in the play, who said that they were also in the state of panic due to the “emptiness,” but that they tried to just enjoy that free time resting, I tried to fill all the gaps with work, which of course made things worse.

There were piles of assignments and other things that I needed to catch up on, for that I had postponed them till the end of the play. On the top of that, soon came the midterm exam period. As I took four psychology classes this semester, without realizing how harsh the work would be, there were four thick dull books that I needed to master. I woke up everyday at 4:30 am, quickly packed some food hoping that it would keep my stomach quiet in the library and arrived at school at 5:30 am at the latest. From the beginning to the end of the April, I literally spent more time at the library than at home or anywhere else. All I did was study, eat and sleep.

Because of the work am I saying that the April is the cruelest month? To me, it seems like the routine above felt depressing and unfair because it was in April. Just like the poem at the top where he said “breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain,” spring is the time where everything begins its life. Through the dry and barren land, fresh green buds show their faces and flowers bloom. Everything is green, fresh, energetic and full of life. There seems to be a silent, but a solid law that everyone should be happy and lively. The irony I felt in the poem seemed to have occurred to me. It is difficult and even more depressing to both pretend to be happy when one is not and not to be able to enjoy that freshness due to unavoidable work.

It’s “Children’s day” today and fortunately (or unfortunately) is the weather perfectly bright and warm. I wish all the happiness and love for the children! And additionally, “Cheer up!” to myself.